Anybody want to edit/give me advice on how to improve my writing? [paragraph included]?

';She rolled her sleeve up slowly, careful to avoid scratching herself in the process. The marks were still there, dark red scars that refused to fade even after days of Neosporin and Aloe Vera gel. She sighed heavily, rubbing her thumb along the thick scratches that traveled down her forearm. It wasn’t supposed to go this far. She had spent hours last night trying to get through the skin with dull scissors, a painful procedure that left her with scabs instead of that clean, straight line she had imagined. But she deserved the pain, a shameful reminder of those moments she screwed up, of all that she had done wrong, of all the mistakes that she made that were repeatedly shoved in her face.';





Ehh. I wrote it just right now, and I'm not sure how I can improve it [but i know i can!]. Keep in mind I'm a 13 yr old... don't make the comments TOO harsh. Thank you!!Anybody want to edit/give me advice on how to improve my writing? [paragraph included]?
eerie...it certainly does affect the reader, I must say. You do seem a little too heavy on the comma usage. Since this is creative writing, keep in mind that you don't need to adhere too closely to grammar rules. Play around with your sentence structure some - makes some of your sentences incomplete. without a subject they can just feel. lost. aimless - and reflect what your character may feel. Plus, toward the end of the paragraph you get a teensy repetitive - I have this problem alot when I'm writing fiction as well. In the last sentence, you could maybe italicize, underline, or bold ';she'; or ';her.';





I don't quite feel the ';pain'; that she's trying to go through. The description of the ';dark red scars'; is effective, so why not describe the process with the scissors a little more? How the scissors' manipulated her reflection in their lusterless blades, how their matte silver looked as she pressed deeply into her pale arm in swipe...after swipe...each time returning the bloodless blades to their starting line.





Writing is a great release, but I must warn you to not allow your life to imitate art! :-DAnybody want to edit/give me advice on how to improve my writing? [paragraph included]?
I don't think you need to revise it. It speaks you in it's own way...nice. It's in your voice. Hope this helps:-)





I'm a writer too, but I'm 12.
I am a writer. You're writing is sensational!A lot of people are saying you are emo. Just because you write emo doesn't mean you are. In fact, your writing is one of the most read. People like reading deep things. Good job and keep up the good work!





Hope this has helped you alittlebit :) Hehe!





-Science Tigger
Wow. That was really good. You're only 13? Amazing. You write better than I do at 19, keep it up.





Okay. I'm going to be harsh because there is really very little to improve.





1 The reader has to know why scratching herself is a bad thing in the first sentence. Otherwise the reader is confused about what is going on. Here's how it could change. ...slowly, careful to avoid the tender skin in the process... That immediately lets the reader know there is something wrong, but not what, rather than letting them guess about why this character is acting wierd.





2. Are these older scars? Or newer ones? Or are they intermixed? Because the words you use to call them change the meaning. Scratches mean recent, even scabbed over still. But scars are different. If it is scratch, then you need to talk about the feeling of the scabs under her fingers, because it would not be smooth to the touch.





And lastly, the last phrase doesn't fit in with the rest of the sentence. Wasn't this to punish herself for the mistakes she's made? If so, why does it matter that they are being shoved in her face? Wouldn't the scars serve as reminders? And she wants those...





And if this is a personal experience, talk to somebody. It helps, believe me. You aren't alone. If not, ignore that last part.
You're a good writer. But, don't be vain. Age has nothing to do with it, experience has.


Well... I wanted to ask, if she thinks she deserved the pain, then why was she careful rolling up her sleeve?


But, eh. I recommend you pick up a copy of Elements of Style, by William Strunk and E.B White.


It will be very helpful to you.
I'm puzzled.


The dark red scars seem to have been there for days.


But 'last night' she had been cutting herself up too - right?


But not bad for a 13-year old.
Hey Littlebit this is good. I am 34 and love to read fiction of most kinds. I really liked it except for the gore factor LOL. Frankly, until I got to the comment about your age, I thougth it was an adults work. The first question I have is, although I understand that she is a cutter, why was she worried abot scratching herself. I think I would have written that she was worried about reopening her wounds or some such thing.


As a stand alone paragraph it is awesome, but you would need a lot more background info to make a story. Also time line is inconsistent in my mind. ';days of neosporin......';, then a few sentences later ';She had spent hours last night.....';. Now this might just be my confusion or would be better explained with more filler between the two. Otherwise, GREAT JOB.
My dear, if you are a 13 year old cutter, instead of writing emo stories, you should be talking to someone. This is a very very serious issue. No, you do NOT deserve the pain. You did NOT screw up. You have NOT done wrong or made mistakes and if anyone is telling you they are, they are wrong. My dear is a parent is making you feel this way, tell a counsellor. This is an abusive parent. Whether or not you can write well isn't the issue right now. Your frame of mind is - and it is wrong. Take it from one who cut - no - we do not deserve it. And no it does nothing to purge our feelings of self-worth or guilt. NO NO NO. Someone must know about this. I have been there, kiddo. If you want to write and tell me about it, I will listen. But just know this. Every time you put those scissors down and stop yourself from harm, you are sending an abuser a message. And that message is NO you don't win. You cannot not make me feel that way. Eleanore Roosevelt once said NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. Do not give that consent - ever. I am not being harsh here - I am being honest. There is nothing wrong with he way you write. What is wrong is if what you are writing is about YOU. Then, you have a problem. Pax-C